ELMC Learning Moment December 2011

Icebergs and Arranged Marriages

By Rev. Sunitha Mortha

Sunitha Mortha is the Director for Mission Formation and Relationships of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America. Sunitha also is a member of the Program Committee on Education for Mission.

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Growing up in Hyderbad, India, and attending school at the Andhra Theological Christian College and Seminary there, I was proud of the ancient, rich culture that surrounded me.

Living in Chicago today, I love sharing classical Indian dance, Bollywood movies, and my cooking creations with friends. Chicken curry, for example, is a classic dish every Indian woman makes her own way. First, I grind my own ginger and garlic. Then I mix them with green and yellow onions, green chili, tomato, chili powder, turmeric, cardamom, cloves, cinnamon, and coriander powder. After the chicken stews in all these spices, I finish it with a little lime, and dish it up over basmati rice.

 My friends think my curry is delicious, and they love to join me in Indian dancing. But there is one aspect of my culture they question: arranged marriage.

What ideas come to your mind when you think of arranged marriage? When I teach about culture at ELCA Glocal Mission Gatherings, I hear responses like “loveless,” “oppressive,” “old men taking advantage of young women.” The most frequent answer I get is “they have no choice.”

Tall, grande, venti; rare, medium, well done: Americans love their choices, especially when it comes to relationships. But is it possible to choose everything? Aren’t there many times in our lives when we don’t have a choice?

Love, for example. Can we always choose whom we love? What about your parents, siblings, or children? You didn’t get to choose their personalities, hair color, or sense of humor, but it’s a good bet that love happened anyway. Happened may not be the right word. Love grew during a journey that you shared.

A key to beginning to understand the Indian perspective on arranged marriage is that we believe what binds a couple together isn’t a shared past, but a shared future. The journey unites you. Raised by loving—and like most relatives, slightly dysfunctional—parents and an extended family whose arranged marriages were strong and affectionate, my big sister and I deeply understood this point of view. To many Indians we knew, the American system of love and marriage sounded strange! 

 Underwater culture

In my presentations at the Global Mission Gatherings, I use the analogy of an iceberg to show why people from different cultures struggle to understand one another.

 Our culture is how we understand life. It is a set of beliefs, values, and behaviors that is reinforced from cradle to grave. When we behave according to cultural standards, we are rewarded. When we cross or ignore them, beware!

Like an iceberg, only a small part of our culture is above water. Usually, it’s the most public parts, like food, dress, music, language, religion, and holidays. You might guess that, because I’m from India, I likely eat curry, dress occasionally in a salwar kameez (an Indian pantsuit), and speak the language native to my area.

Underwater concepts give meaning to the above-water behavior. They can be invisible to people who live inside a culture and are almost incomprehensible to outsiders.

Love is a good example. My sister, whose marriage was arranged by my parents, grew up with a collectivist understanding of love. For Indians, love has more to do with the good of community and family than the preferences of individuals. While the system is not perfect and there are abuses, a carefully arranged marriage can enhance the family’s common good.

Americans are raised in a culture that sees love as an individual matter. They usually choose a partner, and see the ritual of dating, engagement, and marriage as perfectly natural. Although, I have plenty of single friends who are tired of dating and just wish someone would arrange a marriage for them!

Alike but different

In Genesis 11:1, “the whole earth had one language and one speech.” Butwhen the people attempted to build a tower to the heavens, God “confused “their language (11:7) and named the city Babel (which means confused).

Since then, we have spoken different languages and conducted life in a rainbow of fashions.
Yet we share basic questions: What is the meaning of life? How do we feed ourselves? How shall we raise our children? How shall we love and marry?

The cultural solutions to these shared questions become a kind of lens through which we see the world. I see the world through a lens shaped by the Indian answers to these questions. You might see the world through a lens shaped by North American answers.

These cultural lenses can make us judgmental. We are tempted to believe that our answers—as they inform our way of living—are the right way and that our own ethnic group and culture are superior to all others.

This ethno-centricism leads to seeing other groups and customs not as different, but as wrong. Driving is a good example. In the United States, we drive on the right side of the road. In Britain, people drive on . . . the wrong side!

Arranged marriage can draw lots of judgment. Once, when I mentioned that my marriage had not been arranged, an American woman said, “how progressive.” Do you suppose if I had told her about my sister and her husband, that she would have called them backward?

As we approach other cultures, perhaps we can begin to replace judgment with understanding—a necessary tool for today’s diverse and mobile world. Once, arranged marriage was something Americans only read about. Now, the family next door may be arranging a marriage for their own children.

Cultural diversity can be complicated, controversial, and overwhelming. The tense topics of race and culture can cause us to become defensive or to shut down. When we acknowledge that cultural icebergs exist, and that there can be more than one way to view and value the world, we can move toward understanding of other cultures.

The ability to cross cultures begins with an understanding of your own cultural makeup. I invite you to explore what’s under the tip of your iceberg. What have you learned about love? About feeding your family? About caring for children? How have those lessons influenced your choices and your lens?

When we recognize our own lenses, we can explore the underwater of other cultures. We can see the story of the tower of Babel as an invitation to experience God’s love for us not through conformity, but through diverse culture and languages. And we can move together into this colorful world with joy and curiosity.

Reprinted from Lutheran Women Today, January/February 2011